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Growing up Gay

by Chris Conde

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    download includes live performance of "No Air (Remix)" and "Basic Rappers," backside of LP art, and photos taken by photographer Mike Manewitz
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This motherfucking trying to recruit me to the bear team They say I got the nice chest hair, the nice chiseled-ass beard Handsome-ass motherfucking face, all these little boys trying to fuck Whatever though, man ... Chris Conde, you pretty good at rap
“No Air (Remix)” Spitting on this track with a venom of a viper / old school feel like I got up in a cypher/ I’m the type of rapper eat you like a tiger / snap your neck and wreck your body with my super hyper / flow oh so incredible / rappers hold grudges and I’m like bro let it go / I am the best / give it a rest / you wanna test? Lemme know / I can’t spit a verse better than anyone I’ve ever known / gimme a sec / I’m a faggot with a vengeance / I stack up these bars like a fat kid with nestles / arrest these perceptions / straight kids is guessing / yea so I suck dick like, bitch smell my breath on / I’m irregular / Like i’m better than and not regular / spectacular, like a sequined-suited dracula / I’m packing and sacking and rappin’ and smacking your ass with gay rap ass so when you actually hear what I’m saying you know all that shit will have impact so step back and get blasted with my rainbow flow / intergalactic call me space homo / it’s a fact my raps are made of gold / fantastic elastic / I’m like “oh my god /I hear so much bullshit / today’s raps the reason that we all are stupid,” like shut the fuck up man / your mouth sounds like your poopin’ / these are all the dudes that we expect to fuel the movement? Fuck / We’re in a weird age of hip-hop / as queer becomes mainstream mainstream becomes shit-pop / bitch naw, gimme one more reason to just spit I’ll / murder all these rappers / smash their heads with fucking big rocks. Chris Conde House of Kenzo we play like Nintendo Chris Conde House of Kenzo, Ledef, where you at? I’m not trying to create my own genre of hip-hop / cuz these rappers ain’t appealing to disc-jocks catch me rocking marilyn manson t-shirts with flip-flops and lip gloss is not this talk to someone else / watcha know ‘bout me watcha watcha know ‘bout me / watcha know ‘bout me watcha watcha know / I said your hip-hop is dumb / your hip-hop is stoppin’ / the growth of intellect it’s / their mind that you be robbin / so take a minute to hear what you spit it’s limited and definite shit / words fitted between your lips and distributed to ears that hear it and live it thinking your lyrics are glittering with hits to gettin’ some ends in their hands / but i’m back-handin’ you rappers got hands full of crap when I smack you / I’m packin’ my raps with a bag of attackin’ tarantulas that tear you to pieces like raptors / life’s a movie you’re a really bad actor / crack a safe and find a place to stash that loot / after the limelight / you’re gonna need a way to buy groceries you didn’t think you could rhyme right? / kings and queens of the blind hype kings and queens of the blind hype
I’m about to call the corners bitch / demons swarmin’ with their horns ’n shit / angels singin’ in their choruses / honey i’m bored as shit with all these tacky rappers rappin’ / cackle cackle then I slap them asses backwards / never knew a faggot rap like I’m rappin’ / I’m packin’ raps like I’m packin’ all your asses / I’m golden steady when I’m goin’ / hit ‘em with a flow ‘cause I’m so sick / y’all watch as I rock / curb stoppin’ your pops / pop lock then I drop like it’s ’06 / wanna test? I’m a throw fists / snatch your wig like some hoe shit / I’m the moon you a glow stick / you a fish I’m the ocean / my flow’s overdosin’ / motherfucker better realize I’m the omen / I’m a throw your ass off a banister / your days are numbered calendar / I was born with a 6 - 6 - 6 so you better not piss off my daddy bro / or my nanny bro / cannibal animal ramming you with a battering ram of a mechanical flow / killa trilla gorilla pillage your village / bitches wanna scrimmage but I’m pissin’ on all your wishes / oh so nasty flow so classy / bro I go from Gorgoroth blast beats to frozen slow trap creeps here I go / hoe so don’t ask me for no more laughing at you all / at my show gagging at my whole rap thing yes I know / I am the best / give it a rest / you wanna test / take your last breath / All these basic rappers getting on my last nerve My raps are never hit or miss / I always spit it ridiculous / and I could give a fuck if you can market this shit it’s / never stoppin’ get heads bobbin’ i’m on a roll rockin’ plottin’ every little wiggle of rhyme and syllable time / line droppin’ pop ’n lockin’ verses / reverse curses some merge and some hurt birth a verse words disperse / fly high like some birds swerve / i’m perverted with my flow it’s dirty I murder all these / MCs with my left, right, hook / cannot stop me I’m tight look / Kareem Abdul Jabbar sky hook / but when the rain falls down all around and darkness consumes my soul I drown / downward spiral viral infection resting in the anti blessing / confessing nothing in my chest is the pumping / of a heart that want’s nothing / but to feel something other than anger and fear / years after years tears smear down my face clearly / there’s something wrong up in here / in my head I need help dearly / I’m merely a man in my mouth I can taste it / this is the real me open your mind and embrace it
This one is for the people / call me Evil Kinevil / cuz Im stuntin’ hear me run up inside your cerebral / then I straight ignite it / your brains on fire / I stimulate your senses with pencils and pens papyrus / I got a virus / my flows are sick and I just / can’t help that everytime I spit it’s like a touch from Midas / this shit is golden / just like this mic i’m holdin’ / I’m heavier that tidal waves rising up from the ocean / my notion as a vocalist is to invoke the dopest shit in hopes that coast to coast these kids can know how heavy flows can get / like back when moses rose his staff to split the sea in half I laugh when I hear rappers try to rap and spit / it’s more like crap and shit / with my syllabic acrobatic ninja master raps I get / crazy sort of like i’m manic having panic fits / I think I might be the best faggot rapper that has ever lived Diamond Daggerz / they trying to grab her / to pull her from ladders they want her to shatter / fucks with they psyche / saying that bitch might be the Antichrist in panties tights and Nikes, fight me/ black flame candles on my mantle / motherfucker you don’t really wanna gamble / with the voodoo that I do you cannot handle I dismantle / all these busted faces more like traces / of my flow these queens are tasteless bitch you basic / I know it’s miraculous that back when I started to rap I get so ravenous every night that I would have to write make sure every line’s crafted with / a flow incredible shoot the gift then I let it go / never knowin’ how it’s going but I feel like I was chosen as an omen to get rappers to their funerals / so I lift my voice right up into the sky as a proclamation / that every verse I birth unto the earth is a demonstration / of immaculate flow / lyrics of diamond gold / murdering every show / gripping the mic and igniting a riotous fire the size of the earth as a whole.
have you ever been a little unsure / insecure, about what’s under the fur, the skin under the surface, your purpose, your worth or thirst for searching hurts but it’s the / thirst that fuels the drive to know, time to go / reach on out and grab a hold, when you know you’re supposed to be up out that hole / brother hold tight as i pull the rope / you’re free to go,i’ll tell you all you need to know / we all got a shit that be here for, and we all grow as we reach deeper for / the things in ourselves that will lead us towards / the freedom we’ve come to believe we poor / but the fact is that we feed the force / until we see that we must be divorced / from the lies we believe and then cease this course / i think therefore I am I need to soar away from here bro I need the warmth / like its been winter for like 3 or 4 years and I fear there’s like 3 or 4 more I’m forcing abortion of this deformed and contortion will that I’ve used abused and subdued by profuse self worship / a smorgasbord of misfortune my course is to seek recourse and / relieve the stress in my chest and rest on a bed of red orchids / put down the swords and absorb the radical chords that are flourishing in this magical mighty morphin’ endorsement of freedom Dance (Like No One Is Watching) If get free I’m a stay free like escapees run to safety / they never say hey maybe wait we should go / back and pack sandwich and a tasty snack i’m stacking up and raking great things up / sup bruh we got much freedom / but what comes after? the clean up fucked up for so long we must / dust off the rust and brush off the crust we mustered so much dysfunction trust that all of the shit we busted must get / fixed and re functioned so that we can stay out the dungeon do you feel something? / sunlight of the spirit is pumping / bumpin this beat, feelin the heat this is Texas / my rhymes illegal like I be driving while texting /Alamo City, All of my city I confess this / my heart is here like I just pointed at my chest and / we is lifted we is gifted we the kids that get this / my lyrics channel phoenix, drunken master tiger fist and / dragon back in the mix and back on your Chirstmas wish list wish these kids could just listen can please i get a witness all I wish is the reverse of a wrist slit for the kids to just listen / cuz i’m itchin to spit truth is my mission cuz i been the kitchen just fixin up these compositions / rhyme making musician this is my vision: see my friends lifted out from their prisons into love’s presence
(Blueprint) Yea, yea, you know, like this I was a known lush / known to rush the bar like a gold rush / so pumped to post up / dress down and poured up / always drunk so excited / throwing up then deny it / nobody was tripping ‘cause I’m tipping like a strippers client / 3am driving drunk headed home an average night / caught slippin’ look into the mirror / seen the flashing lights / panicked and frightened feeling they caught behind the wheel I’m embarrassed can’t believe I put myself in this position / stroke of luck they let me go / you’d think that was the end / until I’m flagged for the same thing the very next weekend / I somehow passed again / they left me off the hook got home / found a mirror / then took a long look / thought I’d see the young man that used to be so happy, but barely recognized the person staring back at me / he was worn down and tired, bored and not excited, playing with fire because his life was uninspired / I couldn’t hide it, had to do some soul searching / decided right then and there to do some soul searching / 6 years later, still made the best decision / ‘cause every single day my life just get’s better/ (Chris) I was a known addict / known for dramatic acts savage / when I’d black out and make mistakes tragic / like i was raised to make havoc / but finally one day I had it / drawing on a napkin / in a bar with a no car / about to be evicted from my pad when I / ran into this feeling like death exhaled a breath over me / a whisper of grotesque poetry the knowing of my future dead floating leaves on stagnant water / but when I feel I’ve gone too far I just go farther oh father oh mercy / lift this curse please / cuz the whiskey just keeps turning / me into a hollow shell of a person / burning from the inside out because Jameson does not suffice as breakfast / Im just a reckless drunk in Texas doing drugs to just forget shit / so I called a friend / and I was like ‘I don’t know how to live, something needs to give / my life has gone to shit and I can’t think of anyone else to blame except myself” he said “great” that’s an amazing place to start, and I sensed a spark from deep within my heart and it’s been four years / no beers no drugs less fear, more love sure ‘nough / my life is kinda sorta amazing / I feel my spirit sunlight bathing and I’m grateful everyday because my life just gets better.
I don't really rap about it felt no need to explain it / because being gay was just a facet of what i was relating / getting sober was more the boulders on my shoulders and weighed in on my lyrical writing processes back when I first came in to the scene / I mean I think I'm always keeping it honest as much as anyone can especially with all this vomit of hate / invading that’s sprayed, raped and painted upon us / I've waited and a lot of years to explain my sorry so I'm a / relate a little of growing up the gay and little and finding out you don't like the same shit as they do in middle school / a kid confused about liking dudes hoping it's not true / what will I do if I'm accused yo maybe it's all cool Will & Grace is on TV so maybe it's all good / but why do I feel like God hates me if it is all good / it's fucking weird I think I'm queer so maybe beer is the answer and the more that I drink the more I think I'm less of a cancer / what kind of 12-year-old thinks that / I think back and I'm grateful I didn't lean back / on that railing in Turkey and succumb to the lurking thoughts of suicide and self hurting I'm glad I'm not burdened by my internalized homophobic unworthiness / lift my skinny fists to the heavens like I don't deserve this shit / like god I don't deserve this shit / I’d rather drown, be buried alive and never heard from again yo It took a long time for us to get here so You will recognize all that we have been through A couple years later / I'm trying to find a savior someone to rescue him from all of my depression despair and anxiety / so one night I find myself inviting a higher being into my life and then finally / I feel peace for the first time I don't think for the first time in a long time about being deceased in the worst kinds of ways / but in the back of my mind I know I decided to deny my inner self that I'm gay / but if I pray real hard they say these feelings will fade / that my attraction to men will all be taken away / but I never noticed a change and I spent those next years a slave / to it dogma that caused a lot of empty bottles and veins filled painkillers insane feelings of shame I hate feeling like I just plain hate feeling / So I drank snorted shot smoked stared at the ceiling / slowly falling into a void of oblivion / a little bit of back and forth and a couple little slips /I decided it was time for a life I could live / It was time for a switch / for a flip in the script / with the flick of a switch / caught a glimpse of a kid / underneath all this shit / I believe I'm a gift /I believe I can live / yea I'm waving a flag with a rainbow on it and I'm taking no shit / Orlando 2016 this song is for that / for every gay kid out there who was ever made to feel bad / or ashamed of things they can't change yea it's with you I stand / we are equal to humanity we are never less than.
Die Happy 04:57
so alive today / feelin the moon all up on my face / feelin so good that i wanna make this feeling never ever ever go away cuz i’m free today and this freedom makes everything in my life so sweet to taste / so i’ll seize the day, and i’ll lead the way / to the fake shit i say auf wiedersehen / cuz i broke free from those things / that choked me and roped me / know these are just words but homie i know these feelings just all too well / feel like in your in hell / but inhale and exhale and walk out of your jail cell cuz it’s so good feel so good in my neighborhood in my gayborhood we stay so hood cuz we on the block / ridin bikes and takin off / to our shows my flows are so rich and my friends the shit and we stay legit cuz we on the tip of script flip rippin in my san antonio kids is gettin / realer than real we taking the scene venues, promoters, and artists we cling to the regime, turning the city into some ice cream fresher than snow, flow after flow we making them scream know that we know all the weight the we bring / making a scene / beautiful colors and sounds are abounding so come hear us sing If I die rapping I’m a die happy / like i got stabbed in the back ask me how i got so goddamn good at this / i’m a rap addict, so i got practice it’s the mathematics, and the rad patterns / that creates the magical flow happen you’re drooling bro so here’s napkin / introduce you all to the new rapture cuz i get ya lifted with the gift i’m spittin’ / from lips delicious wish these hipster kids could just / get a grip cuz my insta pics are an insta hit so i rip this shit up and hit em with the verse and chorus / and i’m kill em cuz my raps a deadly force / and i’m a spit until their body is a lifeless corpse /rock and rollin like i’m Lonely Horse of course the source i source my magic light / is from way inside me / I simply open up my heart and automatically no fighting / I feel the arising of of thunder and lightning / killing negativity and vibes that thrive upon us dividing
Send me to space / new age of the KKK / fear be the new black / Facebook got the play-by-play Media feeding ya bullshit and we’re so hungry / in defeat we retweet soundbytes so that we can say / I’m a get involved I’m a hand out flyers in the mall / I’m a take selfie with a sticker and the post it on my wall / I’m a search for solidarity ‘cause apparently my friends are racist, I’m a block ‘em on Instagram then post a photo of a raised fist I’m a / check into standing rock I’m a live stream this / smoke ‘til I can’t feel shit Vizine this / find a way to pass the time ‘cause my life don’t mean shit / If my life don’t mean shit then my rhymes don’t mean shit I’m / either apathetic or I’m filled with rage / my parents voted Trump and they know I’m gay / feeling really akward don’t know what to say / seen a swastika on a car today, feeling overwhelmed, apocalypse now, look to the sky and I see grey clouds / parting in the middle fire raining down, burning Earth Trumpet Sound / temp of the Earth will arise so will the tides / killing everything that’s a live that is our lives / worship all the power and wealth, empty inside, God has abandoned the Earth letting us die.
Ferris Wheel 07:17
bike ride slow / through the wind and the cold but i’m tryin’ to get that shit / cuz i’m fiendin’ and i’m cold i’m so fucked up / cuz i got myself a hole in my soul that i’ve tried to stuff up with that ice coca cola, whiskey, / Jesus let let me get these /please just let my friends be home so i can empty / out my pockets tradin’ up my dollars for this nonsense / but i really just don’t care as long as i stop feeling nauseous / polish off my bottom dollar holler if you holdin / hope my homies home so i forget about this moment / and the ones that will come after and the ones that came before it /escape into a state of drug-enduced abused endorphins/ Of course I’m morphin into a corpse, and coursing through me slow inevitable death of testing methamphetamines / I never bet that i would see myself accepting death’s defeat but then again i never thought i’d even be alive past age 15 / cuz this is my life don’t ever try and re-arrange it / i’ll live for myself, to hell with all your fucking haters / I tried to live without sin, but sins within my nature / so every time i bust a rhyme i hope you catch the vapors cuz i’m not trying to feel, just want to watch the lights as i spin on this ferris wheel cuz i’m not trying to feel just want to feel the air between my fingertips foreal but why the fuck can’t i stop using long enough to write some music, used to use this shit to juice up lyric writing and producing. Confused about my use i’m stoned out like i saw medusa / excuses prove i’m using way beyond the word “profusely” and i’m losing myself / health is fading. i really think my fucking kidneys are fucking failing, bottle of jameson a day / has got me sailing and i don’t see another way out besides my taking my own life /these cold nights with no lights bro my foresight, a short life with toes ice cold / or more like a sword fight with your eyes closed / no more life, no more fight, no more cycle and i know / the nails are halfway in the coffin, i’m rottin from the inside out, i just sit back and watch them lower me deeper, see the reaper in sky just watching / plottin to pull my soul to hell, and tell my have a nice day /and i can feel it the blackness, that fact is i practice / this witch craft the matches, the candles the ashes, the curses / the verses immersed and rehearsed in the service of self with the drugs in my person
Spiral Case 02:40
this circle is a maze of grey / coats my brain paints and stains every movement, every thought every breath my chest creates. in and out, back and forth, / fickle like my sanity / i plan to see the other side, so i throw a stone at vanity / watch the glass shatter in the matter of a second / it don’t matter brain scattered and i’m asking lots of questions / wake n bake take a break makin’ rhymes on my iphone / done running, cunning baffling, need light in my home / need hope in my heart and i’m sick of never finishing / anything i’ve started, resting back and twiddling / my thumbs i’m done i know you heard me say it / iin between the syllables i know you hear me pray it / i’m fading into light and then back into the black again / wishing i was right back in the light and not it’s antonym / and I’m askin when God when will i stop chokin, cuz i’ve reached this point break at the bottom and i’m broken. I spin further further into the murder submerged vernacular / that I rip spatter glitter glam glitz spit spectacular get back into the lab and ask for more/ inspiration i’m back forth information i have no more / cuz i’m rappin for the youth of nation / i choose to create tunes maybe for you to feel safer / whatever used for / i’m so truly gracious that you would even choose to engage this crazy dude’s views it’s amazing / my lyrics spray ancient / fade away and i’m chasin a cloud wastin my time it’s time that i face this / i’m at home wasted, waitin for the patience to face my nature it’s not painless.
I’m sick of lying sick of dying I’m sick of using / excuses proving useless to me defusing my movement deluded improvements delusions intruding my usefulness to myself and anyone who choose to do this but dude this / isn’t easy i’m leaning over the median / I’m thinking is it easier to drink and smoke weed again? I’m sinking in these toxic thoughts I’ve locked in boxes / but haven’t tossed out / my God, I’m scared and nauseous of the consequence / but I can’t comprehend the pain subsiding, so I hide inside my rhymes and wait for light to find me / I been blinded by the writhing in my chest so I decide to find what’s next to satisfy and satiate / hush the quaking of aching / breaker breaker 1-9 Universe are you listening? Want to kill myself but i know that my mom will miss me / what am i supposed to do what the fuck is missing / wrote this song before man this rap just feels like a lip sync / am i fucking crazy? Or am I just depressed? I’m smoking cigarettes / my apartment’s a fucking mess / I guess I’m lazy but when I wake up, I can’t get dressed / and If i’m not working I mostly stay inside my bed / am I dead am I a ghost I almost hope so ‘cause then bro, I really know it’s all a show on repeat for you living folk, but seriously though, I just don’t know, I lost my flow / my rhythms strange, my skin is strange / I feel insane, I want to go Everyday I work for this, everyday I search for worth inside this sort of worthless mess / do I deserve this gift? ‘Cause when i slide these lyrics from my lips I feel some a sort of purpose is in it / like i was made to do it, like i was made to fluildly move yall to this music / and I’’ll pursue it like lovers in the last scene of a movie / ‘til there’s nothing left to say or one of us is dead like Romeo and Juliet, hold me to this, I load and shoot this birth of verses in hope to you that / they be congruent in fueling a positive recruitment of juice profusely used as a booster of usefulness I fire this bazooka of truth as a future eucharist. I”m alive and i got the fire bro who would guess that all this bullshit I would go through would be used to get, you and I to be divided less I kinda guess, that I was sent to find dividing lines and rhyme ‘til we connect.
Step Outside 04:13
riding on my bicycle from work / hand shaking head hurts mind flirting with the idea of hurting / myself with poison noise and static poised to misdirect my choices yes the voices / whisper in my ear softly a long spree of drug use had gripped my wallet and tossed me / across a lost sea of hopelessness and i hope this gets better kid cuz i know that it’s / killing me willing me to fill my innards to the ceiling with something that's gonna make me feeling sweet feelin me? / insanity had left me lost and naked vacant spiritually bankrupt will i make it? / take this obsession from me. i wanna run free and let the spirit’s sunbeams come freely unto me/ lift the sun-screen from my rusty beating heart comfort me with even just a teeny spark please / i'm dying here i'm writing “dear john” letters to a mirror and i fear / i've severed all clear tracks for trains of thought outta here save me god i can hear the tip-toeing walk of the reaper near i'm not thinking clear and if i drink this beer i really think my fears will manifest themselves. hells bells will wail and i'll be jailed in tears kill it / the toxic thought process got my conscious filled with all kinds of nonsense the kind that/s constant the onset of monsters stompin / I wanna get out of myself but its myself that i'm locked in step outside of the circle repeating i am just a combination of decisions drivin’ by self will's incision intermittin’ / with the crisp glittering of pre-written disposition listen cuz i'm spitting as a witness to this / schism between the self and the system i walk in line with the rhyme but it's time the i find a witness / so listen up cuz i'm puttin rhymes in your cups and my words i'm linen 'em up so drink it up and get a glimpse of / the spirit moving i'm grooving and not boozing not losing my time getting high fly to the altitude of / the suit up, show up, grow up things not the screw up, too drunk, throw up things i'm a / new creation the old it is so gone i don't want to hold on like thighs without gold bond / i roll on like dice on the sidewalk i park my bike next to a mic so it's amplified when i talk / i'm just a man saying get free i live free from the things that had make me sickly and his hand was the damage plan that would lift me up to the surface to flourish and to get rid of these crazy ways of livin breaking out of a prison checking out of a system mister how could i miss it. kiss it goodbye listen cuz my mission is to be spittin so eyes get stripped of blindfolds an intervention of the spiritual get with the miracle especially if you're restless discontented or irritable / here I go on a roll with the syllables uncontrollable literal i'm unfolding these golden flows like a waterfall yo!
Get Free 03:29
i’m just a person just a word inside this versatile immersion of rhythm and verses served to connect the earth with a burst of color, and texture, / the light that you find that mentors / reminding our minds that finding the time to ignite our centers / our spirits, our hearts and our eyes, the fire the ember / is crucial for us to enter into a state of surrender / to the higher power, big light, fire power, our minds devour whatever feeds the ego, so find the power / to seperate, and divide the sour from sweet and let the showers of divinity grow humility / it’s the c-h-r-i-s c-o-n-d-e and i spittin my experience til i d-i-e / on the m-i-c my raps are attacking the status quo / that has latched all their blackend shackles attached to collapse our souls / that’s how it goes when the world we live in is ruled by the corporations of nations, we’re numbers not faces to ‘em / so let my poems dethrone the kings of your own thinking / cuz we alone atone for the things we see think and / hear and speak, delete all the lies that creep deep in / get on your feet, put both hands to the sky then breathe deep in / cuz i believe in a reason to live besides we being / a dollar sign, a consumer, a customer repeating / the same old thing til we die, a fable played to our eyes, a cradle grave they devise, we have to start believing when i say “get free” y’all say “stay free” i’m just a human just a student just livin life and infusing my life experience, vitamins violins to this music / I insist that we climb and get higher to try and get redefined to ignite the light that resides in enlightened kids so let’s try / to examine the damage of vanity, how it manifests how it wraps up inside our identity, and we let it be free to roam and it grow and never ceases before it creeps into everything that make say or think so we must / discuss our own lusts and trust in guts that / the crust can get chucked if all of us push back / the dust and the clumps that fuckin disrupt the love downward thrust from up and above i’m bustin these rough raps / my mustache, my beard and my tats, my prose, and my flow glows cuz i own my craft / i wanna inspire the gifts that you didn’t know you had / create and produce something beautiful for you to last / it’s mathematical, radical acrobatical tactical latched to the back of a firecracker / mechanical animal addict and i will ramble on ‘til run out of ammo or til my sandals unsalvageable or my raps aren’t flammable / this is my thesis my reason for waking up everyday for painting my pieces / I want to stand naked before you show my weakness so that maybe all my scars can be all your teachers
I never would’ve thought it / who even could believe it / to feel the chains of insane thinking drop to my feet / breathe in the sunlight blinking a few times cuz i’m thinking / could this be real is the storm over I hit my knees and / thank the source for reaching scooping me from this sinking ship that was my life / I tried weekend to weekend to control my drinking / but then the whole deepen / the one inside my heart and the one i left my feet in / because I couldn’t stop it / already sunk my teeth in / and after that first taste my will began to weaken / could feel the feeling creep in literally like a demon / inaugurating my craving to tell me what to think and see and say and feel and taste and I spend my days waiting for the next time I could be wasted / and it was safe to say that / I couldn’t let a day pass without whiskey in a glass / day after day I stay trashed. Open your heart to love and you will be set free from death I’m alive to invite this rhyme to this line I’m alive to invite my mind to this time, I’m alive to remind my mind to retire and let soul climb so high I get higher / when I’m rippin, rhyme flippin I lift my eyes up. Where does my help come from? I rise up. Cuz my life has no purpose without sky love. when I die, I don’t care, I know that I’m loved. So the rhymes I spit are to reflect that. hit that / this my words, with my best, emotions in tact, birds trees oceans, this fact: know that you are loved. because sometimes this life’s riff raff / don’t have to be this, that, or the other ways e get that, joy, don’t have to be through, toys, or drugs, fix that / I hope this doesn’t confuse, just feel the impact of the spirit and know you’re loved whether your in that or not / we all deal with ways to get through the day but hey slow down and don’t forget that/ there’s something bigger than you, so you should get that, mode of thinking beyond what you see, in fact / who I am today is from the impact of a source bigger than me, hear the click clack / of a new train of thought in ya head with that. i’m out like dad on the couch kicked back


Growing up Gay is the debut album from Texas rapper, producer and musician Chris Conde. The 19 track LP explores the artist’s search for personal freedom as told through the lens of his own recovery from drug addiction, alcoholism and internalized homophobia. Alcohol and drug-free since June of 2014, Conde’s goal is to communicate through music his journey; the pitfalls, relapses, homelessness and self acceptance as a queer person so that his listeners might connect with the universal theme of hope


released January 1, 2019

All tracks mixed and mastered by Angel Marcloid except “No Air Draft (Remix)” mixed and mastered by D.R.O.

Tracks 3, 5, 13, 14, 18 produced by Fire-Toolz
Tracks 1, 4, 7, 12, 16, 19 produced by Chris Conde.
Tracks 6, 8, 10, 17 produced by Fire-Toolz + Chris Conde.
Track 2 produced by Ledef.
Track 9 produced by Ryan Joseph Galvan and Venetian Snares.
Track 11 produced by Venetian Snares.
Track 15 produced by Casey Keyworth

All vocals recorded by D.R.O except Ferris Wheel, which was tracked by Dustin Stephens.

Original cover art by Taylor Lee Bosworth. Layout by Angel Marcloid


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Chris Conde San Antonio, Texas

As an openly queer rapper, Chris Conde combines the classically detached spheres of hip hop, indie rock and avant-garde experimental art punk of the drag variety. In his sometimes hysterical but always poignant bars, Conde strives to relate to his audience through an honest communication of his personal narrative of overcoming drug addiction, internalized homophobia and self-acceptance. ... more


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